I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.