I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.