I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.