I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.