I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.