I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.