I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.