I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.