I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.