I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.