Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.