I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.