I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.