When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.