When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.