I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".