When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".