When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.