When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.