When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.