You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?