I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.