I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.