I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.