I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.