I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.