I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?