The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!