The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.