I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.