I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.