I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".