I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.