I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.