The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

A child needs your love most when he deserves it least

Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.