The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.