What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.

The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.

For some unexplained reason, it's always the other end of the table that's wild and raucous, with screaming laughter and a fella who plays 'Holiday for Strings' on water glasses.

My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'