What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.

A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.