Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

Success is outliving your failures