Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.