If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Hello there. I'm out social climbing, but if you leave your name and number and if you're anybody, I'll get back to you.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.