If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.

A child needs your love most when he deserves it least

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.