If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door.

Many people are intimidated by doctors. ... People also feel stupid when they don't understand what a doctor's talking about the first time around, so they don't ask again. And let's be honest here, people. English is not a doctor's first language.

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.

Never have more children than you have car windows.