I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.

I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.