If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.