Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.

What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.