Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.