House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.