Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.
When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.