House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

Do I have to use my own money?

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.