If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.