Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?