Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.