The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.