It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?

I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal.

I originate from a family where sauce is viewed as a refreshment.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

A small waist makes you tire easily.