As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

I learned the importance of a man's chair early in life. I learned that he may love several wives, embrace several cars, be true to more than one political philosophy, and be equally committed to several careers, but he will have only one comfortable chair in his life. I learned it will be an ugly chair. It will match nothing in the entire house. It will never wear out.

Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.

One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.