As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

... it's simply wrong to always order [kids] to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.