Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

Every puppy should have a boy.