I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

For some unexplained reason, it's always the other end of the table that's wild and raucous, with screaming laughter and a fella who plays 'Holiday for Strings' on water glasses.

Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.