Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again.