Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.