In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.