Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

I have always felt that too much time was given before the birth, which is spent learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the baby is born.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything.