What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?