There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.