Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?