If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.

A small waist makes you tire easily.

A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.

Adults are always telling young people, 'These are the best years of your life.' Are they? I don't know. Sometimes when adults say this to children I look into their faces. They look like someone on the top seat of the Ferris wheel who has had too much cotton candy and barbecue. They'd like to get off and be sick but everyone keeps telling them what a good time they're having.