One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.