I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman's life she can help God work a miracle.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.