I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.