I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again.