What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.