Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.

I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no big deal.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.