My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.