My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

In Russia, as I sat there day after day wearing headphones, listening to the interpreter struggle to make our words relevant, I wondered if we could establish meaningful rapport with a nation that had never seen raisins dance in dark glasses on TV...never had a garage sale.

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.