I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble.

Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

My idea of 'roughing it' is when you have to have an extension for your electric blanket.

I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set.

Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body.