I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.