The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!

Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

[On her father's death:] I didn't know his leaving would hurt so much.

Success is outliving your failures

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'