Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.