... it's simply wrong to always order [kids] to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food